Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Once she emerged there was no way to turn around, to run away, or to pretend she did not exist.
As she came all I could do was spread my wings and fly…….
Tell me your secret…..
Because they are buried too deeply…
Where is too deeply?
In my core.
In your core? That is central and not too deep at all.
You cannot understand the core of my being!
The depths of my soul. My immense yearnings, the longing, the losing of control.
So your core is the center of your being?
Yes, IT is!
It is a place where my soul rests
Or did you bury it there?
Why would you accuse me of the burial of my soul?
Because you wont dig.
I will DIG!
You wont journey.
I will Journey
You haven’t started
I did start!!
And then you forgot
I sang ……
And then you tucked the pleasure away.
Where is that painting?
That is irrelevant!
I am writing to you,
You are writing to you…
Okay, I see
I can, I promise
What do you see?
I imagine grace…
What type of Grace?
Fluid Grace….Breathable Grace….
Does this make you feel something deep inside?
It touches something, sparks something, it asks for space
How do you give grace space?
And who do you surrender to?
And how is that accomplished?
And what is faith?
Something that pulls from far, and beyond reality
Really? What is reality?
OHHH good one, I have yet to discover reality
Is there one?
I tend to doubt it
Then what do you fear? What do you fight, what hurts?
Life, I can’t believe you fear life. Isn’t it suppose to create the opposite?
Yes, life creating joy….I can believe it.
Do you believe it enough to have faith in it?
I am not sure.
Then you don’t believe it?
I do believe it, I want to believe it
Really do you want to believe it or does it just sound like something you want to believe in??
No, I want it too deeply, dangerously, loudly.
I want to believe
How do you feel now?
I am feeling better
Better as in how?
Better as in soothed
Soothed, I like it. Why soothed?
Because I feel an opening, a potential a longing a desire.
I am seeing shifts, seeking abundance, and I am believing.
What is the believing you are doing?
I am being not doing…..
What are you being?
Completely still, and then in this stillness I have heard the essence of the butterfly as she sings in expansion, in growth as she marries her purpose and takes flight in love.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
We just got back from a trip to see Great Grandma in Long Island, New York. This trip is hard every time we do it but we always leave saying it was worth it. Great Grandma cherishes every moment. I think at her age she gets what a moment means and how fleeting it is.
She is almost 90 but I wouldn't know it. She is so beautiful and still cooks the BEST eggplant parm. I have ever had. She is the grandma I no longer have. Every time we make the trip with all the obstacles its all forgotten when Great Grandma smiles.
This trip marks a special event because it was Ethan's first flight. We got off to a rocky start but it was smooth sailing afterwards. Although, I won't lie it was a very short plane ride. He really enjoyed the noise of the propeller plane maybe its soothing. I didnt think so.
What I did find out this weekend is children real value and thrive in their own environments and routines. The breaking of routine is something I need but I am not sure how the children feel about it. As excited as my four year old was, he sure did throw some good tantrums while we were a way.
As for Ethan, he wouldnt eat and in his defense, no one had a high chair. UGH! However, we did it. We managed it all with a lot of screaming episodes at each transition period but as a team we conquered it.
We made it and we are back!! Ethan is catching up on his sleep with a 4 hour nap and the rest of the household got naps in too. It has been an afternoon of well deserved recovery.
I think the lesson I learned is sometimes you don't realize as a parent how great your routine runs. When you are running two children to daycare, jobs, dinner and maintaining life it can feel as though you aren't doing a good job. I think sometimes its good to move away from the daily just to see how great things are running. The in the moment daily life does feel routine to me and I often am hyper critical about my parenting, yet when I look at how well my life works, I have to take a moment and say good job mom! good job dad!
We truly are rockstars, rocking it out in the name of parenthood. It sounds a little trivial to be super proud of a successful trip but I am. I am also super proud of the little life and family we are building. Its far from perfect but it works.
At least, I can go to bed at the end of the day loving the organized chaos and thanking God for my beautiful boys. That is a true accomplishment. That to me, is a true marker of success!