Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Once she emerged there was no way to turn around, to run away, or to pretend she did not exist. As she came all I could do was open my wings fully and FLY…….

The rusted watering pot had DREAMER written on the side of it. This watering can spoke loudly to my soul. There was something strange and beautiful in its message. I believe I am a DREAMER and I believe that I have been holding a can of my dreams for years. The can is rusted with ambition, with fears, with sorrows, with happiness, and with years. I dream! I dream! And I dream!
I know that if I fill my can up it has the potential to make life flourish and create birth. I love that feeling. That the dreams that have been contained in my rusted can will be full enough to spill over and nourish growth of the next season. I can hardly contain them any longer!!
I love the idea of rust. Maybe because it is raw and shows signs of truly weathering life. I believe its the weathering that makes us appear beautiful even in our imperfections.

And OF course CHEESE! My little man in all his wonder continues to encourage me to see the world through the eyes of an innocent soul. he encourages me to laugh when life says you cant laugh, prop your feet up in all the wrong places, and talk loudly because you are proud of what you are saying......Thank you Luka --Thank you!!
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I was in PA this weekend and I was drawn to the aftermath of winter.
Everything was still barren and the garden was yet to be in bloom but I felt strangely attracted the sensations I felt. I welcomed the sunshine. I loved the imperfection of the rust, the dead leaves, the random signs that a garden once lived here and that it will once again live here!
I felt as if I connected with this moment. The emerging of spring is around the corner and I know that in a few days or weeks everything will be in full bloom. The rust will be cleaned off, the lights put back correctly, everything that had tumbled over will be picked back up, and life will be springing from every corner.

But there was something simply beautiful about the remains of winter. Maybe its that feeling of death and the beginning or rebirth. I dont know. I just know that those items scattered around the yard made me feel at home. They called to me. They told me the story of a long winter and they smiled at thought of what was about to spring up.
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Thursday, March 19, 2009

I am bursting

I am bursting at the seams with these ideas. I have to completely settle myself and start the process of mapping....I want to say soul mapping. I am one of those individuals who has a very hard time taking the baby steps that are needed becasue I get overwhelmed. Goals overwhelm me. Dates, deadlines, commitment, I get over excited. Its not nervous but it is nervous energy and without proper channeling it is almost always lost in outer space. But maybe not. I think that some energy does come find you again. Maybe when you are more able to handle what it has to bring. I do not know. I just know that if I can sit with my ideas, make room for my ideas, create the space to move them forward, actually commit (AHHHAH I said the word) and then contiue to follow through without feeling the overwhelming alarming pressures of a finished product. I will be so at peace. I have felt my heart scream what it must do. I have felt my soul be called to who it must work with and what it must accomplish....I have no clue how to do it, when it will happen, or what it will end up as. And this is where I am having a hard time letting go. Let me be honest. The hardest part is the letting go and the opening of the soul to receive. May I do just this.....at least I feel better for putting all my energy in these words.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Perception is the individual choice to view what you see as beautiful......
Change takes place when you are willing to percieve all things as beautiful...............
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Oh to love the Art

If Love is the key to surrender and art is the door to love.....Then it would seem when you unlock the door you ultimately surrender your art to love and your love to your art.......cp......
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A gift from my husband

It is in the garden of lovers' secrets that love blossoms. The color of growth beating on their hearts
The loud beauty of their wild, mysterious souls a flower that they will only know. ~Cp~

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Monday, March 16, 2009

As my creative process forms I feel the innocent exploration of life that my child must have everyday. I feel the sense of excitement and the steps of urgency as I reach for the next object, as I figure out my next word, and as I create my next experience. As I watch him grow I am awed by the simple pleasures that are embraced in everything he touches. I hope that I am able to create that energy in my daily life. His small joys make life so BIG!
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There is something incredible in the process of emerging.....there is an incredible moment of being free because you dont belong in the past or the future but in the very moment you are in. Awakening to your own face and facing yourself is an incredible sense of finding and it leaves you wanting to get to know yourself that much better.

Welcomed back by Jena
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Emerging from under the mask....
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Sunday, March 15, 2009

A bit of ramblings

I am clearly new to this blogging and not quite sure what I have in mind as far as bringing across to whoever may read it. I guess it just feels nice to set aside a space to honor some of my creative thinking that has given me a place to lay to rest much of the conflict within me.

As I embark into blogging space my intention is to honor my art and the art of others. I hope it will bring color to my life and those who come across it. Charlie

I think I hate you
I think I love you
I think I miss you
I think I like you
I think im paranoid
I think im scared
I think im awkward
I think im graceful
I think im lonely
I think im full
I think I fell on my knees
I think I failed
but I think what matters is im trying all over again
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Fruit of Life

once in my shadow

I stepped on your image

I covered your face and rested my feet on your heart

I decided you knew

I decided you understood

I decided I could go

I knew you’d still know

could you expect a wild flower

not to blow in the wind

did you expect my petals to stay planted on the stem

I followed my door

but I choose to ignore

all the beauty possessed inside

sorrow and sparrows took my seeds and I surrendered my soul

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you promised me it’d be alright

I think you lied

maybe a little to late

I cant figure your eyes out

not after this trip

there’s something far from the truth

something farther down inside

I think it might be to messy for me to touch

I might be spoiled in the middle of your garbage

I cant believe its as if nothing ever came

went and as if we never saw

You Dont Know

you don’t know me at all

in your crescent moon wedged beneath your hidden house

you don’t know me at all

or you wouldn’t whirl around me and parade my nakedness

you don’t know me at all

or you wouldn’t forget my fears and you wouldn’t covet my loneliness

there would be no bleak emptiness in your cup

and the overshadow of your crimson hate wouldn’t resign in my mirror

you don’t know me at all

on your ferris wheel of highs

in your protected zoo guarded by polka dot zebras and purple lions

you don’t know me at all

not in your distinguished self

not in your bed, not by your side, not in your fantasies

you don’t know me at all'

but not because I didn’t want you to know everything

but because you choose to be blind to my call

Friday, March 13, 2009

Calling my face to the surface
I was afraid of not being worth it
Carrying this solitude
This weight of attitude
Seeking a better position

As my gut threw up my indecision
Wearing this coat of sorrows
I find my hollow tomorrow

Motion me through this line
Singing a chorus deep in a time
where there was a hidden shadow
That wasnt compatible with my show

Deliever me from the lacking
As I search through the membrane
of what was clearly insane
Alter that demon in me

The colaboration of the joys
Coming on and embracing
Something that has been wondering
Where it was hidden

Awake my love, my soul, mypassion
Singing a chorus deep in a time
where there was a hidden shadow
That wasnt compatible with my show

Deliever me from the lacking
As I search through the membrane
of what was clearly insane
Alter that demon in me
Winding bitterness
Finding mercy within me
as the paths battle
forcing this issue to become
something that it doesn't want to be
Fallen into unforgiving
Misguided principles
Conclusive of flexible body
Incapable of sorry
the forgiving.....
Longing to be unafraid
Mercy, hallelujah, send this course racing through ya
.....Yeah I headed down this road before
Stepping through an outlined door
but never with the depths that this ole body has been aching to explore
Come on-bring it over
Come on- I want to get to know you
As i walk outside
I find her
seeking solace in my knowing
come on over, come on over
there is something I forget I told you....
I love her in all her quirky ways
I love her !!!
Mercy hallelujah send this course racing through you
A glorified notice to this world that I am around
Come on--bring it over
Come on ---I want you to know
Bittersweet this taste inside me
loving the sour familiarity
asI reach this heightened beauty
Singing on the hallelujah --mercy sending me over
Gracing me through.....Come on come on bring it on baby...

My Rambling Thoughts on starting this......

I am not sure how to handle the space in front of me. I have places, faces, visions and images that come into me but how do I hand off to my portrait what I feel. My hands are touching all around sensing, sizing, and maximizing the space I play in. I breathe. I watch. I grow. And my hands seize themselves up marching forward and beckoning me to create. I wonder what they would say if they could speak. I guess I should wander what I would hear if I would listen?