Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Motherhood sorrow

I thought it would be natural.
Drum. Drum. Drum.
That’s what they say these things are for.
I found out that aint true when it comes to you.
I tried. I tried. I tried.
I longed for the mercy of nursing you
I desired the intimacy,
The space that belonged to me and baby.
There was none. None. None.
Long episodes, sleepless nights as I tried.
Baby crying, crying, crying.
And My heart laid in my chest dying, dying, dying.
No one explained to me I couldn’t feed my baby.
No one told me the guilt, the shame, the pain.
And then to my horror, it wasn’t just my baby shouting at me-hungry
It was other mothers.
Why aren’t you breastfeeding?
Why don’t you try harder?
What are you doing wrong?
Breastfed babies are better.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
My body wont produce milk. Take pills. Supplement.
Never a compliment. Supplement. Supplement. Maybe I will forget.
I would hold him, my baby boy, deep longing in my breasts, deep longing in my chest
And I would cry, tears falling on his face,as the milk of formula took my place
And my chest would heave and the sobs would come steady like a drum. Drum. Drum.
And I would come to believe I had failed you
Not because I did but because other cruel women weren’t careful in how they would say,
Why aren’t you breastfeeding your baby? It’s the best way !
And in my heart I would know if I could have I would have
I tried. I tried. I cried. I cried.
There is still a part of me that closes tightly when I speak of breastfeeding baby.
I still have that pang of self doubt, the guilt tucked away.
A mother’s guilt her secret scream because she couldnt produce milk
No one can understand the hurt that sits in your chest beating you like a
Drum. Drum. Drum.
But sometimes the hurt is the glue that keeps you from coming undone.
Drum. Drum,drum. Drum.

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